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  LemOn[5thF], May 17 2018

You learn by making mistakes, and I feel like this is one of the time to grow.

In life when it comes to money, I've been always happy living paycheck to paycheck because you know what - it felt liberating, it felt safe...
It felt... Like I have nothing to lose, like I need to work hard and not even think about it, like my path is very straightforward and I've always found a way.

Lately, that's changed, suddenly I left the safe environment that I'm used to, started making more than I can possibly spend with my habits and view of the world, where the expensive things people buy just seem like futile waste of money especially for me used to broke living. Sure, the Crypto bear sure has helped out but I'm finding myself in an unfamiliar territory that brings...


I fear losing what I have. I'm proud of what I have, what I play. I started focusing on money, even setting things like I will use 10% of my winnings last month to pay for a holiday for me and my gf(which I did). I started tying my identity to my bank account, to limits I play and the money I win. I started setting short ter goals, what if I make 10k this month, visualised how that'd feel, how I'd move up, how proud would I be.

But then reality hit. On my way up eating ramen I always powered through nad runs, breakeven stretches. Even having to borrow money from my friend who was helping me out didn't feel as stressful as breaking even this month. You may say lol that's poker breakeven 15 days bother you, then this game's not for you.

But I've been winning month after month, week after week and slowly but surely I've built up attachment, built expectation and somewhere I started focusing on results rather than the process.

Letting go of attachmemt.

And then it got me thinking, once upon a time I was really big on meditation and kwan-um-zen
The most frequent question you ask yourself there is "who am I? " during meditation. I also remembered Tommy Angelo, the wise man I once had on my podcast and whose eightfold path to poker enlightenment I devoured a few times.

And again I started realising the series of attachments, the tying ropes of identity that both ties and imprisons your in your own expectations and views of self.

When I text this girl I'm attached to an outcome of a fast reply. My body looks like X so people will perceive my like Y. Looking certain way should make me feel good/bad. I've studied the hardest in a long time last week, I put in the focused hours so now I expect a great result at the tables. I tie my self respect and identity to the limits I play,money I have and losing that would threaten for me to lose that identity.

The way of enlightenment.

So what to do about it? Well for me the first thing is always awareness, be aware I've become attached to the results and that by itself allows me to let go to an extent because of the absurdity of many of these attachments.

Other things are focusing on the process, and then letting go - you've text that girl. You played that session, your body is what it is and you just had a gym session. None of those things you can do anything about so thinking, worrying, being overly attached to them is pure futility.

What actually matters is DOING what you do, RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE with your time. And if you used it wisely that's all you can do, you've done well, and the outcome is not what matters.

Setting goals.

The the thing about this all of course is that if there would be no attachments at all then there would be no motivation or will to actually be part of the modern human world. Most of the pursuits of the modern civilisation also require attachment and bring suffering. But you do have to CARE in order to DO, otherwise you'd become siddhartha and finally find the meaning of life being peaceful with staring at the river for eternity.

I guess there needs to be a middle ground, for me it always has been long term goals, more like targets long time in the future I can judge my present actions by, but short term results seem insignificant in the lens of me a year from now

Previously it's been to get to where I actually am now, why losing it all suddenly became this huge pressure, a break even week after studying hard a stressful experience, the long term goal became NOW, THIS WEEK, THIS SESSION.

So I sit down, re-evaluate, get that long term lens going on again so I focus on actions...Instead of short term results.I also started doing bookkeeping a good friend taught me to bring more rationality into my finances.
And just bring that awareness of futile attachment back, which makes it easier to let go, which makes it smoother to focus on the only thing that really matters - this moment and what I do with it.

And since my morning poop,where I type a blog on my phone is over, it's time to make breakfast.

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Comments (5)

Poker's a Nightmare
  LemOn[5thF], Apr 05 2018

So today
I was plying too many tables, 6 I think (usually I play 3-4) already feeling anxious and then finallty I hit a set multiway

Get it all-in, 88 vs 66 on 86X all happy as he shows 66
But then on the river...King
And he flips over...Kings somehow even though he's already shown 66, and I lose just feeling shitty, day's ruined, how can this happen

It all felt completely real, but then . . .I woke up
It took me a while to realize it actually didn't happen, the feelings were so real!

And I was so happy to just wake up into a new day

Thanks for reading everyody,
Appreciate ya

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Comments (13)

Quitting Poker
  LemOn[5thF], Apr 01 2018

After so many years, I still play around NL5
And although living off microstakes and eating ramen has been fun, but I'm 31 now and it's time to stop.

I want to thank you all on LP for supporting me, my last couple hands really opened my eyes.
Thank you for the words of wisdom

This site gave me a lot, and i will never forget all the support.

It's time for a stable job at last, Luckily I don't have to go too far.

Recently I've climbed all the way up to Ancient[2]in Dota so will give my shot streaming and grinding the MMR, and surely become a pro within months when I stop putting so much futile effort into microstakes poker, and I will have a steady profession at last that society respects.

Thank you, and best of luck in whatever you do, this is my goodbye.

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Comments (11)

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