Lemon

OK guys, the last one, it was such a trip to the past for me, all that awareness was too much, unbearable to finish the last one truly, it's 2am here and I kept procrastinating. My goal now is to start new diaries, think of a better system with dates, maybe categories, There is a book on bullet journalling I might follow. Thanks for reading, and or more importantly, to spam LP one last time maybe






2023


I haven't written in a long time, it feels awkward, can I even read what I write? Positivity - I talk less, only when I need to when I have high confidence. Yesterday was too much, my ego is obsessed with people, how I see them, as quotas I make money from. The key is to see people as well, people, if you need them or not! Chew your food, be mindful, and put your knife and fork down. When you feel like eating emotionally, pause, put your hands on your heart and say "I am a good person" and recall one of your amazing positive memories.

When leading people. Be positive and lead by example, talk to people who are negative privately.

I am in the woods, sitting in a gazebo at Cibulka.

To escape reality of life is why everyone does everything - norm macdonald


I might not have before this world, I was well . . . the happiest in Scotland, before I had my PC, I'd run every day, go after girls, it was the best 2 months ever. Russel from Menprovement figured it out, he just upped and left his business, posts scarcely. Try to have 2 weeks without PC, just write, be with people, work out, do silent time and exercise.

When I focus on reality I discover things, like when I discovered a community garden at Zlicin and just sat on the bench there. Ziglar talks about the need for clean language, and positivity. When you are confident there is no need to make people laugh, you can be silent, be present for them. Someone recognised I worked in sales.

Whesto in 1st armada - focus on positivity, surround yourself by amazing people, if bad apples want to leave - let them. You shouldn't be doing video games at all, so when you play them, do them in +EV way! I feel like I need to increase exposure to women - today I saw a skinny Ukrainian lady at the pond, so I went to the pond! amazing! When it comes to women I need to go someone who focuses on the present moment. Tolle: It's normal for Ego to fight back

I went on POBcast, it was cool to talk about disco. My purpose in life is PEOPLE! All your life you were drawn to interactions, Dating, SC:BW, Poker, Sales, Psychology, Laws of human nature, self-help, Goalkeeping, Dota, Dating meetups, and Radical Honesty. You have always been figuring out people! But, often you are afraid of your purpose, the anxiety actually means you care. Live your life, finally. Lean into your purpose, enjoy looking at people! Have that calm energy about you, always act as if you chose this moment. Act as if what happens is on purpose, be a student. You act now, to make your future great..


I did a gym tour in my 4 am wake up phase
- stodulky, barrandov, went to Prokopak valley, had small cherries from the tree, wild ones. The pond is amazing, calming when I breathe under water. You breathe, hold your breath, that's how you focus on silence and presence.

PPL is +EV
- Learn to wake up early
- Listen to +ev on the bus
- work out there
- dance, hypnosis on the way
- learn discipline
- I can act after
- fun when I am rested. Doesn't matter if I am fucked

I would do PPL, then the pond and even the gym! At the gym I accepted my anxiety, ran into it, towards it, listened to Elliot Roe, found a solution, acted hard and travelled to Liberec.

The simple fact is, you don't need to do anything at all to be liked, to feel liked. You definitely don't have to put people down, tell stories that trigger reactions.
You are not only enough, but you can give people the greatest gift of all: the gift of presence, lack of judgement, curiosity.
Sense of awareness and joy as you open yourself to them, create space for them, steer them towards positivity.
on the other hand it's urealistic tothink you can suppress your ego, it's great to find positive creative and constructive workable outlets where you let your ego have it's time in the limelight.

Like making videos, editing, cutting, entertaining people. You got to live with making misfires when you let your ego loose.

Seek moments of presence, pull out the kind, the positive part of your ego when you can. Know that the best way to people is relaxed presence, that invites them to express their deep self.

You have a fantastic gift of empathy, the connections you make are very deep, as you thought about people's feelings all your life. Your ego lives to create this underlying anxiety, puts attachment so much. Games - big attachment, pixels, fears of losing them. I have so many attachments inpoker, I see people bluffing me as an attack on my resources. Constant attachment to how my sessions are going. NL100, can';t let them run me over.

Every sign of tension os an invitation to relax.
Goals + presence = results
Dreams are your brain taking a shit.


Rokytka while playing poker was cool, I felt POWER - working out is vital.

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OVERBETS SRP
TPGK river after you check called flop vs small bet? Pop in overbets if you missed.
E.G. AJ on AQ4s, you call a cbet, turn gets checked
=> 150% overbet river, you have a lot of missed hands there due to offsuit combos.

BvB KT on K72TQr
- You can overbet river wide after betting flop and turn.
- 3 Barrel a lot, overbet river, put even weak Kx into a tough spot

Top pair SRP
- Someone donked pot into you? He is polarized. Check TP back on turn, snap vs river bets. even KQ K79s
UTG/MP When you flop TP vs blinds
- on e.g. J95s, consider checking back TJ
- the ranges are tight
- hard to get 3 streets

AQ A3Kr COvBB
Solver: bet BIG on the flop. If you do cbet small, then overbet further. You have great range advantage, put value on.


SRP
- Fold 99 vxss 2/3 on TQ8 after flatting big iso
- Bluff more bad runouts even after checking back flop
- Bluff more, look for easy chips
- 44COv BU 375s cbet 25%
- 7d8d cbet 50% KT4s with bdfd, great backdoor with 695 + flush
- Bet 44 on KT8s with BDFD MPvB. You cantake it down now, you canbarrel on turn diamonds, 3 barrel some as you unblockfolds.
- CBet ACTs on 7c6c3h after isolating.
- Peel A8 on J77 vs 27% cbet oop, you got backdoors, sdv
- Cbet AQ on TXXs MPvCO 25%, CO can X down worse Ahi, you get option to barrel with backdoors
- CBet AKT with underpairs BUvSB, consider 3 street bluffs
- Fold Q4 on KQ46 vs big bet and bet
- Cbet QXXm IP wider! in position you can go wide here
- Delay cbet QJ 468A, barrel river a lot
- 98 on 2326 vs check - stab BIG, bet BIG
- Delay cbet T8 on 73QJ and barrel most rivers
- Peel A9 with bdfd on TT2r, value backdoors, leave no stone unturned!
- J8 on QJ3Q9 - let it go on the turn and river vs large bets unless he is mental aggro
- KQ on K54 vs shortie - flat vs big cbet, let him spazz
- QT on 93635 4x flush =? stab river with air!
- let go of dominated draws vsturn raises


3Bets EP/MP
-COvUTG after 3bet AJs, just check back J26s. He has just 2 KJs combos you might get 3 streets from. Mix check backs to call/call.
- AK big squeeze, get called by MP: You caan bet shove 2 street sizing AT9r. The range is narrow, you can stack AQ, AJ, not many other hands call down anyways
- 88 AQ8s UTG v MP: It's okay to raise sets when he cbets small here
- BBvs MP, AQ on K52A => Block turn after you 3bet and cbet.
- BB 3B vs our MP KsQs Qdts9s: Flop easy check back in these positions with the backdoor.
- AA on J83s vs raise BB v UTG 3b pot you can click it back when you get raised small by UTG
- AA 4bet MP v UTG 200 BB deep is a 50% cbet when called pre on T73r. You set up stacks better for turn and river.
- AKo after 3bet iso BU v CO: checkback 572r, nothing worse folds, simples. You also don't blockanything, can checkdown vs Ahi
- dont' be afraid to fold weak pairs vs big cbets if the board is good forvillain
- AK3s SBv MP AT: Can purecbet small. J turn => check. River on AK3J3 blockbet or jam river, either vbet vs Jx or put A in a hard spot.
- T64m BBv CO 3bety: BB bets small. Co has PURE CALL OF FOLD. Too much overpair + flush advantage in BB. Tx blocks a lot of CO's flushes relatively.
- 77 is a mix UTG v MP call 3bet when he cbets 2/3 on 984r, fold to barrel.
- Your ego had a false belief he 3bet wide, I got to beel to the turn barrel. It was ego driven, just fold, let him take it, just because the pots are bigger doesn't mean you need to feel more emotional orengage your ego. 3bet or 4bet - it's just odds and ranges, with just shallowed stack topot ratios.

RAISES SRP
- After check raising use 2/3 or check size on most turns. Even though solvers love to block turns, the strategy gets very complex, 3bets, multi size river etc. Until you figure it out just go for the 2/3 or check turn.
- When you check raise with nut blockers, you either give up turn or 3 barrel. I.e. As7d on 8s4s6sJxKx, got to bet the river with the blocker.
Pete: you just aren't playing the ranges the same way when you have it and whenyou don't. Play them the same, you just have to bluff shove best blockers when you have a lot of nutted hands, no choice there.
- KQ after check raise T9Tr, bet the rag turn, he still has a lot of stuff he can fold, and you still are drawing live vs 9x.
i.e. KQ T9T5 after you CR flop. barrel obvious cards that hit your draws on the river, big 8 6 J, bluff, rest give up.
- Raised flop, improved equity? bet often! did your other obvious deawing hands hit? Good blockers? BLUFF BIG!.
- OK to raise 45 bvb on A76 vs small cbet. If you bet turn you have to follow up on river when your other draws hit. If you don't then check turn call flop
- Dont raise 53 5Q3, check call, be aggro later , cr gutters, A2 46 A4 etc.


A-Game journal
I have music on, lamp on, sit right up, shuffle chips, timer set and have fun!
I think what I am achieving with my ranges. Where I stand relative to my range with my hand. What story is he trying to tell. Who has range advantage, nuts advantage. What will happen on future streers, down the game tree?


MONTH TO SMASH
- punk rock concert drunk
What it you had just a month for poker? Just give it your best, you'd look back at that month where you gave it your all, succeeded or failed? It wouldn't matter.

First song comes on froma shit band
"I'm trying to push the envelope, I sacrifice much and work hard. I stopped being afraid, I push upwards

I don't appreciate Pete enough, I do have a tendency to keep distance from authority, coaches, father etc. But he's been there for me always. It's like wuth GFs. Maybe it's time to stop, be my own player, go after my own goals, not care what people want, and take people in my life as someone I WANT there, not someone I NEED. Take coching points from crushers as advice, but realize the responsibility is in your corner, take it into your own hands. You get to play, and you want to play, every hand is an opportunity. Time to think about the ranges, instinct, and now if your coach or solver will approve of it, what would they show or tell you afterwards.

Listen to solvers, coaches. Not because you are afraid of playing badly, but because they make YOUR game better, that's all you want. Be your best self with allyour mood swings, people see the best you as your potential. Well that's bullshit, you are not your best self, the real you is the sum of your parts, the middling baseline of your A, B, C game, and you need to accept that. Accept your states, your skill at the top AND bottom, work from both ends.

Makes your states the best you can. In the shit, anxious, fucked? Do a nap, hypnosis, take a walk, swim.
At your best? SMASH! Keep PUSHING AGGRESSIVELY with little pauses. Get hungry you son of a bitch, smash in your highs when it's easy! Made an amazing play? Proud and crushing? Keep the fuck GOING relentlessly, ride that high!

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Comments (5)

OLLLLD One - 8 years old. These were my first two notebooks ever, it's from a time I played NL16-NL50




Played Svenskaspel - lots of swings with the swedes, easily agitated. So I opened lots of Stars tables when losing, I went to Tesco, bought this thing to think on paper (HOLY SHIT MY FIRST DIARY 8+ YEARS AGO) I like writing down my thoughts - will I read it back ever?
COMMENT: WELL I DID, 8 FUCKING YEARS LATER LOL


I broke intro a children's playground to workout on the swings etc. I couldn't do 3 pullups => FUCK




I spend way too much time online - youtube, facebook etc. When poker goes badly. Do I want freedom or a coach>? Agitation - Girls, Money. procrastinating makes me stressed - I do it because poker goes badly? How to win? 4 Table with focus, tank every decision, sizing progressions. My energy should be spent onpoker, sorting out my life, the there's space for chicks and PUA stuff (COMMENT: Yes, PUA Phase, one of you on LP coached me over skype ). I start my sessions focused, when I lose a couple all ins I open youtube. "I just can't win" "I run so bad", I turned away and started autopiloting. Now I don't feel like playing and fear like it will happen again. I do find it relaxing to turn off everything and just grind - a sense of relieve, I do feel pressure when I do more than one thing, but my brain is addicted to multitasking.

I had a biggest winning day in a month today, felt like a lot of pain but I worked through it, feels more "real" last session had confidence to pull some great moves, realise my range, timebanked every decision on Svenska. Poker was FUN again.

I feel like I stand out above the rest with my lack ofjudgement, attachment, listening skills, curiosity and the ability to be present! I can honestly say that I am a great person, working on myself works.

I should not do more things at once. Even when doing the "bad thing" just focus on it! like dota, movies, youtube. And then focus on the productive things. It's fine to procrastinate, even on hobbies!

I felt a bit agitated with my family, trying to defend myself, my purpose, then I simply said "I am what I am" it felt great - I cna just be me, the best me and feel no need to defend myself. Just say to people I respect them, we both are here, with different values and that's okay. And if family wants to deal with their want for me to succeed in their world framework, there is nothing I can do about it. It's better to be yourself, polarize people, have love/hate than pretend to be something and have mediocre relationships with everyone.

Sugar knocks me out, really bad for me. I was tired, low focus, felt weird, on edge. I really need to cut sugar, replace with potatoes, veg etc.

Running, heater, be a psychopath![b]
I tried running, it felt relly hard at first - stiff body, pain in legs, but I got into it and was Fist pumping + excited near the end. Went for a nap after - counting down from 300, mind overload, I fell asleep after 20 ish. I ran well afterwards, 13BI day, watched a sauce video, doube2 coaching, commented on hands, convo with Midian. I even joked in chat,posted fun hands. Was excited at taking shots at 2/4 and NL50 - made me walk faster, look forward to playing. After a day like this I feel like I belong higher and deserve to play NL50.

I am checking cashier a lot - married to the $, fear of losing => lowered focus? Like I have a limiting belief in playing higher. I am concerned with Bankroll - went to new highs, I stopped focusing, like I feel I don't deserve it. I am attached to the values of money, afraid to lose it => [b]Started playing more NL16, procrastinating with ATH bankroll
COMMENT: This is what messed me up in BW, Poker, other things. Afraid to push when at the top
Self image is low financially? I need to raise my belief system, move up in my head, not self sabotage when I reach success. This is the most I have done in a year - I am attached and afraid to lose it, I stopped focusing ob best plays and building life around allowing me to make them. I became risk averse, but I have NOTHING TO LOSE! I can go back to $600 and make a living . . . Do sweats. coaching, NL50. It's all the same in poker as in life. when I get out of my head, stop obsessing about results, how someone is beating me, what limit I play, what bad beats I get - only then I can pay all my attention to the one thing that matters: PLAY THIS HAND AS WELL AS I CAN. All else is bullshit and chatter. Thinking about bankroll, run good, bad, youtube, people, anxiety - these are attention drains. Drains from the 1 MOST VITAL THING: THIS HAND IS ALL THAT MATTERS, and then the next,and the next. I learn fromsomany sources and only my mind can put them together. I need to give it space with time and thinking on paper. At the tables worry has no place. Not only it's ok to believe in yourself, when losing, it's a necessity to go from good to great! Be like a psychopath at the tables in the long run. Develop the ability to completely control fear responses when necessary. I am very far from psychopathy and not feeling emotions, I a, fearmotivated, used anxiety to perform all my life, in floorball, forced stress before deadlines at uni. I have been capable of surreal feats when pressed against the wall, not so much when gain is at stake. I stop trying when anxiety's low, my drive for positive rewards is not as strong in me (this is how my childhod/parents worked. So I feel anxiety on purpose, make myself feel it when I need motivation. Ike is a psychopath, emotionless does not get affected by swings. It all comes full circle, to be like them one must live in the present moment. Like Cat, like monks. There's no anxiety in the NOW. Focus on the details, breathe, be right now.

coaching
I felt uneasy when I get coaching for some reason - like I am stealing something from the crushe. I guess I feel uneasy when I disagree wity the coach. The feeling I get before sweats and asking for them from crushers is the same before I go to a girl, when I just buck up and do it I feel good. How I feel and think is not as important, I can observe it but what matter is taking action consistent with my values. What I feel bad I should just take action anyways, that's the best remedy. I felt great on a night out, was authentic, sometimes a jackass, but that's me - talked to girls, act of courage, I do it automatically. Used to feel guilt before, now I just had a great time - was polarizing with people for sure, they loved or hated it and that's cool.


This Week: Stars 25hrs/week, Svenskaspel 10Hrs/Week. 5x gym, posted hands, studies.

"Best self" fallacy
When I feel shitty, I'd always compare to my BEST state. And then feel even worse and not take action/wait until I "feel good". When I accept: "Okay, I feel shitty" and shout it out I get a smile on my face. Felt how I felt, started fist pumping, yelling it out, there's nothing wrong with it, I am always here, this is how I am and only important thing is taking action. I can feel shitty, identify it, accept it, take action! Corey: Be yourself, go after what you want. Take action, that is in line with your values. If people don't support you, limit the time you spend with them.

Booze and pron Alcohol WORSENS your state. I feel great,open when sober when I go to people sober, alcohol takes that away. If I want to improve as a person, I have to stop drinking. I am awesome, I work on myself, drinking alcohol makes me less authentic. I don't have to tell anyone I am quitting - it's not a challenge, but how I feel. I show people myself through ACTION. Same with quitting porn - it's no challenge that I quit, just don't do it, no result in mind, because it's in line with your values.
=> I went to expat party sober. At first I was nervous, in my own head, then I went to a lot of people, had fun, played games and got over the anxiety. I need more practice to be genuine and authentic and not hide behind my comedy persona. Be genuinely interested in people. Sober. I went to a concert alone, sober, at first mind was moving, then started counting from 300, immersed myself in music , towards the end I was relaxed, present - get these experiences more often!
No porn is awesome, I feel a lot more attracted to girls, better overall, exercise more. I felt amazing and unstoppable when going to gym, nofap, no alcohol for 2 weeks. Rope climbing - I felt a strong sense of fear, my body wanted to lock up I just started to focus on performance, told myself how I am going to own it - fear and excitement run real close, all I have to do is shift my belief rowards excitement and I can do petty much anything new and become comfortable in all situations. No matter how new they are.

Relationships
People are not honest to themselves. It's hard to cut through the bullshit of self-preservation, patterns created by society, upbringing and the ego. If you aren't honest with self, you can't be honest with others. The best policy is to be our own true self, even if we know it might drive others away, and it should the raw me outward, keep relentlessly being yourself, while working on improving yourself. Be at peace with people that are not compatible. In a healthy relahionship one nust express honestly and constantly what they feel like, what they want, be it positive or negative. If all people were honest and genuine, eb be okay withlosing others instead of modifying and filtering themselves, only people that are truly great for each other would form long term relationships.

It's important to keep giving even when things are bad, and not take things for granted when they are good.
AlWAYS KEEP COURTING, Why treat a LONG TERM PARTNER any different than NEW DATES! She matters more , puts in more effort, it's important. Especially when things are not necessary to gain her love. Hunter mentality - I have to do A to get B, If I get A anyways I don't need to do B anymore, start taking B for granted. Relationships stop being exciting, one orboth stop trying. "Men cheat becauseof the 10% they don't get from their partner, even when they get 90% of what they do want". If one wants to cheat, it's better to talkabout it, do the the hard thing now for the long run. When Oli told her friends and they didn't listen (to verca about breakup) it was hard to tell them later. If one faces fear right away, the better it is. The longer one holds back feelings or talking uncomfortable stuff, the harder it is to express it. This goes to I love yous, positive things etc. the brain wants to keep homeostasis. It's really cool to just put myself out there exactly how I feel without expecting anything in return. It gives you freedom, there is no anxiety, and it people do give back it's a bonus. This makes it' "okay to be nice" not being afraid that niceness won't get reciprocated. You don't give a fuckwhat you get in return. Being in a long term remationship doesn't mean you need to drop what you love, quite the opposite. It's important to be therefor the big things, death in family etc. not talking about it = lackof trust builds, communication is important.


Aceptance and Commitment Therapy.
PRESENCE and present practice. You react to what your opponents actually do, not how you visualise them to actually play. CAT is so present, always scanning her surroundings, being in the mment - be like cat.



BORING exercise - defusion poker play.
1) Do difficult, boring or painful exercise e.g. moving up.
2) Watch for thoughts that are intruding on your engagement with the work. E.g. this cunt got lucky, What if I lose
3) Defuse
- sing, breathe, be aware of feeling, drink water mindfully etc.
It's like your normal thoughts with a supervisor.
4) Repeat: It's ok, I am willing to feel this. Imagine that you created the present sensation on purpose, even the difficult sensatuions.
Do specific days - body attention day, perspective day etc.

You have wasted a lot of your time on Dota,porn, youtube, shows
- expanse, 30 rock, the Office, modern family, married with children, two and a half men, one punch man, mob psycho, game of thrones, sabrina - new one, friends, inbetweeners, office UK, The Orville, TNG, Start trek Discovery, H3H3 vids, harry potter movies, pewdiediepie, one punch man theories, star wars, mob psycho theories, honest trailers, American Debates, Andrew Yangm trump rallies, Mark Dice, DBZ Theories, WW2 vids, cat videos, cryptocurrency - Tone Vays, AdmiralBulldog, Dota replays, Game of thrones theories, Unbox therapy, Colbert, Jananas, Starcraft vids, gilm theories, Corey wayne, Fox News + CNN, watch Mojo, brooklyn 99, zrebny+frlajs, conan clips, barbara 4U2C, Key and Peele, Marle, Mike postle drama, Joeingram, Loquipedia, vypsana fixa, high stakes poker,prime video movies, negreanu vlog.

Seinfeld - I watched all seasons, it was relaxing. Not as re-watcheable as the Office. What I recall:
George acts his opposite, gets a job at yankees. Kramer strong shower disposal. Susan went lesbian. Soup Nazi. Elaine short hair. JOe from family guy face paint. Kramer giddyup. jerry Caddilac for parents, got impeached and had to move. Larry david Frank's Lawyer. Elaine margin sheen => Destined to settle. Kramer brings air conditioning, falls on a dog. Kramer stays at jerry's apartment, has parties, rides bike ect. Jerry comes he freaks because a cup is not on a coaster. Jerry dates a girl that got gonnorhea from a tractor. Jerry dates a chick from sex and the city.


Audiobooks I listened to: Laws of human nature, Sapiens, Liberated mind, Power of Habit, Atomic Habits, Talking to Strangers, Ziglar - motivation x200, Paul Mckenna, Expanse: cibola burn, She comes first, Stories for cynics, Peak Poker Performance,

PRESENT DAY COMMENT: damn, it's actually cool recapping the shit I watch mindlessly like seinfeld! It's hard to avoid moderndistractions, might as well try to do more productive ones, write down what you watched



Poker is NOT a sport
- You do have time to act and defuse, unlike as a goalie.

It was amazing to non judmenetally watch people, mirror theor body language and imagine how it feels to be in their POV. I want you tohave moremindful basketball sessions.

I went to a random gig, it had free beer, bday partyl IPA, non filtr, bernard, with a punk band playing. I let go, meditated and partied like a madman! The band was in the audience, "Shrewd Auntie" awesome dance/rock. "The Gripes" were there too, I was high fiving people in the mosh pit. I then wenthome, while thinking how to make my life better.

Past
When thinking back at my life, how so much of what I do was to anchor to something external to give me self-worth and to avoid emotions. So much hidingin girls, games,food,shows,hockey cards, ziglar, exercise w. tereza, dota, corey wayne etc. Needing external thingsto define me. Well, just go towards it, accept who you are. Evolve, like goku's ultra instinct, your energy goes up and down and starts reintergating into you .


When Playing Zoom/cash
go with your instinct, focus on what is now, trust your gut, this amazing resilience guides your life, things happen for a reason, go with it, but do not deny your gut, be FOR things, you are amazing when you go with the flow.



Today after morning session I wrnt to BBALL field to shoot hoops. Meditation on the way, hand focus firts, then start feeling present. Mindful basketball is awesome. I respond really well to my surrundings when present, it's an insane state when I do it right. Milta told me about junkies, doing heroin in the basketball parl, wagging his feet, then starts knocking on trees. I actually went for a run at midnight - I didn't think, just went. I became a junkie for seeing new places, I saw indonesian embassy, pregnancy clinic etc. Remembered playing bball with pete, and went for a long spring just because. I am excited to start the day (Comment: I guess I did springs every morning at this point damn)

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